I'm Doing It!

"I'm really doing it!"

I said to no one but myself, and felt the burden get just a little bit lighter.

I have learned much about life and myself in a very short time. Introspection and analysis have certainly brought some insights, but nothing has taught me more than pain. The world as I had known it turned upside down, and all of my hopes, fears, and understanding ended up in a cluttered pile. I have tried to reduce the mess of my life, to simplify and finalize the process in one fast cut. And each time I have been shown it is just not that simple, and that the process is a long way from any final place of understanding.

On that day, I took one small step toward making peace with the past, realizing that scars and bad memories are not all that it has given me. Being solely responsible for my life is an incredible burden, but it is also my motivation and my direction. As in any relationship, we have our good times and our bad. Sometimes I get afraid or worn down, and I yell a little louder than I should. Other times, when I'm feeling lost and in the dark, it is love and patience that bring me back to real life, to the moment. Now, it seems logical that I should be able to simply remove the faulty wiring and make a nice, smooth re-entry into normal life. Contrary to all of my rational, instincts, however, I've had to accept that logic is powerless against the raw, hard force of emotional disaster. Rather than smashing down the past, I must instead learn to carry it, accept it, and build upon the rocky foundation of my life. This is more than living; it is growth and survival.

The best thoughts, it seems, come during the times when I can embrace the entire drama of my life-the pain, the fear, the endless and demanding work, the memories. All of these are moving to form me, to shape my growth. This is my life, and every moment, good or bad, is a piece of who I am and who I will become. Of all the talking, listening, thinking, and explaining I've done in this past, no words have been nearly as relevant or as humbling as these. When I can hold the suffering and sadness in my heart, and look with eyes that continue to see beauty, it is then that I truly am alive.

Each day there are a hundred mistakes and a thousand chances to do better. Life has become a series of challenges, triumphs, and defeats. My heart is often heavy, but my mind knows that I am free again and willing to begin, over and over, to make the best of what I have been given. Some nights, all I can do is crash and burn; but in the morning, like some broken-winged bird, aiming again for another try at flying.

--- single daddy